Worst Nail Salon that Ever Existed

In a city where manicures are 6 bucks and pedicures are 13, salons out here in Queens have to stay competitive. But they should still maintain a level of upstanding professionalism.

The stupid nail salon on 31Ave b/w 37 & 38 streets makes me want to get fake nails put on so that I can use them to poke my eyeballs out. That's the experience their clientele will give you... at a low, low price.

The woman that runs the joint is with whom I have the most problem. She is pushy, pushy, pushy... "Want manicure? Want massage?"

Okay, why not? I originally only wanted a polish change, but it'd only cost a dollar more for the full manicure. Fine. And, conveniently, when I woke up this morning, I complained about a kink in my neck on my right side. 10 dollar massage oughta work that right out.

So, I go for it.

During the manicure, the pushy salon owner / mother of the high schooler doing my nails keeps coming over to interrupt us... talking jibberish behind the mask she's wearing and neither of us can understand her. The braces laden young girl is annoyed and I haven't seen so much eye-rolling since Marci Graham won Prom Queen. (She was a shoo-in.)

Then, I'm passed along to a quiet latina girl who will do my massage. I tell her of my neck/head focus area and settle myself into the chair. As soon as I feel her hands on my back, I feel my shoulders release stress.

"Ahhh, this was a good idea."

Wrong.

A lady getting a manicure comes over directly in front of me (I could have touched her) to dry her nails. This is no problem, but her husband has come by to meet her and boy does he have a lot to catch her up on about his day. That low Barry White meets Johnny Cochran voice and style is just the soothing background muzak I need.

But wait! Is that humming I hear? Why yes it is! The girl doing my massage decides to hum along to Cheryl Lynn's popular hit, "To Be Real", that has just come blaring onto the salon sound system. Humming. Humming.

But, she's doing a great job with her hands so I try to take my mind elsewhere. The left side of my neck and head is really feeling great. I can't wait til she gets to the other side... the one that's actually hurting.

And then - the timer goes off.

I sit up and ask her, "Um, are you going to do the other side of my neck like you did this side?"

She doesn't understand so I ask her in Spanish.

She replies, "I used my thumb on the left side and my fingers to hold onto the right side." She's dodging questions like the You Decide 2008 debatees.

I ask, "Would you please move to the other side of this massage chair to apply the same pressure to this painful side of my neck with your other thumb."

She agrees. Okay. Customer's always right.

Wrong again.

I settle back into the chair and take a deep breath... only to open my eyes to see the psycho owner bending over, head cocked under my massage chair, looking at me and shouting from behind her mask, "You want pay for extra 10 minutes?!"

I sit straight up. "I'm not paying for another 10 minutes. She only did one side of my body."

"Well, it's only 10 minutes. You need longer to do both sides."

"What?! So, the 10 dollars I paid only covers one side of my body and AFTER that side is relaxed, you typically ask for more money to equal out your client's bodies?"

"It's only 10 minutes."

"Every other 10 minute massage I've gotten tries to give their clients relaxtion and equilibrium. They've been able to get to both sides of my neck without a problem. It's only, what, 6 inches wide? They manage."

"You need other 10 minutes."

I get up angrily and grab my coat and purse.

"You can sit here to dry your nails," says the money-grubbing idiot woman.

"I don't wanna sit down. I don't wanna be in here. Thanks for everything though. The left side of my neck feels really great." (I know, sarcasm.)

But really. You offer a massage, reel the client in, do half of their body, and then ask them if they'd like to pay for another massage to do the other side? Seriously?! Seriously. I've half a mind to call the Better Business Bureau.

Don't get your nails done at the stupid place on 31st Ave between the laundromat and the new construction site. They'll make you hate life.